Wasted Years

After my last blog post, Okuenu, I got several feedbacks from ladies who could be called Okuenus in those days and I must say that life goes on and a lot of us fail to notice what some single ladies go through. Chichi (not real name) said that as a single mother she has had to deal with a lot of discrimination; from being avoided by other women to her child being snubbed by other kids whose parents have asked not to associate with the child an unmarried woman.

It is even more disturbing that they suffer more in the church where they are treated like the worst sinners. They are not allowed to take a prominent role in societies and are denied certain rights and privileges in the church. In extreme cases, they are even denied the Holy Communion. The situation above, however, was what a single mother experienced which brings to mind what Beatrice told me years back, pregnancy outside wedlock is not a sin, it is the act that is the sin, till date, the wisdom of my mother still fascinates me. While I understand why a woman living with a man she is not married to may be treated in a certain way in the church, I honestly believe that a single mother should have a fair chance as everyone else since she is not living in sin "presumably".

Spinsters are seen as the architect of their problems; they are blamed for their loneliness and misery; they are considered either too uptight or too loose. They do not smile enough or throw themselves too much on the guys, whatever they do, they can never win – it is always their fault for not being smart enough to attract a man.

Yemisi’s story is quite inspirational; the first-born child of her parents, very responsible and hardworking. Just after secondary school, she got a job as a receptionist and began to help her parents provide for her four younger siblings. She waited two years so she could save up for university. She went on to study accounting in graduated in flying colors although she had to still work to sustain herself in school and also support her family.

Yemisi immediately took the burden of raising her younger siblings completely off her parents as soon as she got a good job in a reputable audit firm. She worked hard and rose through the ranks and became highly successful. She intentionally stayed away from anything serious with any man because she believed marriage could prevent her from doing all she planned to do for her family. At the age of thirty-five, she built a nice bungalow for her parents while she paid tuition for two siblings in the university and had another two in a boarding school.

Yemisi’s mother became worried about her at some and began to pressurize her into getting married to a young executive that had a gift delivered to her at home on her birthday. Yemisi told her mother about the man and how she feared he would be too controlling as a husband. Her mother wouldn’t hear any of her excuses and from that day their relationship went bad as long as Yemisi wouldn’t take her advice to get married and settle down.

It is sad when eligible women face criticisms especially from loved ones who forget in a hurry the sacrifices they made. Yemisi moved out of her parents' home when she could no longer bear the arguments and tantrums from her mother after Babajide the young executive sent his wedding invitation. Her father was more understanding and tolerant.  

Yemisi’s two younger sisters got married in quick succession after they both graduated from the university and that was when Yemisi began to question her sanity. She was genuinely happy for her sisters and played very active roles financially and otherwise at both weddings. She did not at any time feel awkward about her younger sisters getting married before she did and she thought it was a little bit abnormal to feel normal in that situation.

Yemisi was turned fifty the same year her second younger sister moved out of her husband’s home back into her parent’s home. She was tired of the constant verbal abuse from her husband, blaming her for his misfortune. Yemisi’s other younger sister and her husband had not enjoyed much financial stability and so it was Yemisi who took up the responsibility of their children’s welfare.

Later that year, Babajide and Yemisi got married in a classy all-white wedding with just family and close associates. Babajide and his wife went their separate ways after seven years of trying to please their parents. They were introduced by their mothers and although they liked each other initially, they wanted different things. Babajide’s wife wanted to build a home in the Uk while Babajide wanted to live in Nigeria, after she moved on her own with their son to the UK and would not come home, he divorced her. The following year, much to everyone’s surprise, Yemisi and her husband were blessed with a baby girl who was born prematurely.

Older spinsters more often than not get it right when they finally do get married; they are cooked, done and ready to be served, they seem to know how to find the right person which may be compensation for God for all the “wasted years”.