Obodo m

Photo credit: world atlas 

What is wrong with my country? 

We usually ask jokingly if Nigeria is cursed but seriously, are we cursed? Our fore fathers may have done something terrible which got the gods really angry and the punishment is disorderliness, corruption and extreme bad leadership.

While on holiday, it took me a whole week to watch the television in peace without fear of a power cut. Not having to worry about the availability of water and switching the pumping machine on before the stupid PHCN (Power Holding Company of Nigeria) ‘takes the light’ like we say.

In Lagos, a typical day for me is; wake up, turn the water heater on, turn on the water pumping machine, basically do everything that needs to be done with electricity including defrosting food in the microwave. As sure as the Pope is Catholic the light will definitely go out.

It goes out at a certain period usually from 9am. It comes back on sometime in the afternoon when most people are at work, who needs it then? Maybe the kids who should be doing their homework anyway.

I get back from work after driving through uncontrolled traffic in different parts of Lagos but there will still be no rest and so in Nigeria the phrase, “no place like home” does not really make sense because our bad leadership will not let enjoy the home. 

After a day’s job, hardworking individuals get back home to darkness and then the generator has to come on because it is really madness to stay without light in a big city.

The sound of the generator is a big menace and I will not only be tortured by the sound of my own generator but also that of my neighbours. Sometimes I wish their generators will never come up just so I have less noise to deal with.

Sometimes we forget that we need to buy petrol or diesel and when hubby decides to go out and get it although it is already dark, I get on my knees and ask God to keep him safe. There is the armed robber factor to worry about. If you drive certain cars especially Honda and Toyota models, then you are a good candidate for car thieves and so I pray for Victor to come safely back home to me.

He finally makes it home and the generator comes on then we have to worry about what time they will restore power because we will not leave the generator on. We are careful not to have our house up in flames yet again and so we must switch it off before we finally sleep.

When I watch a good movie, I find it very hard to concentrate because I have to worry about the Power Holding Company holding back power at the most interesting part of the movie. Whoever thought of that name is a genius because what the company does is to really hold on to power supply. When I get the generator on, I have to wait for the cable TV to reboot and come on at which time I’m asking myself if I should have bothered with the gen. 

Talking about the exorbitant rates of the most popular cable TV in Nigeria makes me want to cry. This company has gotten everyone addicted and are ripping us off while our government and regulatory body in charge sit aloof. I'm happy Netflix is gaining grounds.

I acknowledge the effort of the different states government to take care of trash but the air pollution does more harm than good, whenever the trash truck comes, the whole street smells like shit the whole day and those who put the trash in the truck make their own mess on the street. I also wonder why our trash back home is so trashy that it drips of stale smelly water which is responsible for the very bad odour.

Whether I drive or not, I commit a lot of sin cursing out other road users, everyone is in a hurry in Nigeria and will hardly give the next person a chance. Bus and truck drivers are evil in Nigeria, they drive like they are high and yes, they are truly high. As a matter of fact, most of them can only drive after they have smoked weed and taken some very cheap alcohol. The authorities know this and do absolutely nothing.

The commercial drivers are not the targets of the police, decent citizens are their favourite preys. They stop people who have somewhere important to go to and try to waste their time knowing that such persons may be willing to do anything to get away from their nuisance and head on to more important things.

I am expecting a lot of “drop something for us madam” from the immigration peeps when I get back. I was so sad when a female immigration officer was seriously begging me for money as I was leaving. I told her I no longer had the local currency and she said it was even better to give her the hard currency. It was quite disheartening for me. When anyone in uniform is friendly to you in Nigeria, the person definitely wants money from you.

Our security agencies are confirmed beggars for obvious reasons; they are poorly remunerated and most of them live on bribes and tips. The top officers sit on the monies allocated to these agencies and all they do is grow pot bellies, buy houses and send their children to schools abroad while their foot soldiers live in penury.

There are a lot of reasons why I no longer agree with the saying, “East or West home is the best” Nigeria is home to me but there are a million places that will always be better. 

I am definitely not looking forward to having confrontations with those giant Lagos rats that are very disrespectful. They do not run from people anymore; they just snobbishly walk back into their holes in the gutters like they do not want your bad luck. Nigerian rats are so destructive, these days they dig a hole from outside right into a person's  living room. The rats are also innovative and must keep up with the times.

Someone asked me what number we call in case of emergency in Nigeria and my answer was, “my husband’s number”, we call husbands, boyfriend or any other reliable family member when we have an emergency because they are most reliable. The husbands call no one, they sort themselves out. 

My car was stolen some years back, we had to follow up with the police and do a lot of PR to make them happy enough to do their damn job. When the car was finally found, we paid through our noses to recover our stolen car from the police who is supposed to be our friend.

Seriously who do we really call in an emergency in Nigeria? Big question! 

In a few days I will head home and I am excited just because I am patriotic. There is absolutely nothing good to go back home to except abacha and ugba and suya. I am not looking for to taking my charger everywhere, the ungodly sounds of generators, blasting speakers from mosques and churches, the very dirty environment, the suffering and smiling mentality of our people, angry citizens, big fat rats, mosquitoes and extremely bad roads.

Shame on every person who has ever being a leader in any capacity in my dear country. Shame on you all! You will all rot in hell fire! East or West, North or South Home is where you find peace and comfort but Nigeria, obodo m (my country) e soro ya! (is not a part of it).