Tower of Babylon

               Photo credit: quotesbae.com

Ladies, next time your husband comes home and starts talking about how he had such a terrible day even though you did not ask him, please know that he is just trying very hard to run away from climbing your tower of Babylon.

When he says he has malaria, please ask him for the test result because it is possible that he is avoiding the punani.

There I was thinking that women are the only ones who make excuses just to avoid the tortilla till I got the shock as a group of friends shared how they come up with all sorts of drama just to have a peaceful night’s rest.

The husbands even stay out late on purpose and only go home when they are sure that the wifey is asleep; then they crawl into bed carefully to ensure that she doesn't  wake up and still insist on getting jiggy with it.

I still can’t believe that an average Nigerian man will take non prescription drugs randomly just to prove to the woman that he is sick and cannot perform.

My encounter tonight got me thinking about the stages of marriage and the different effects those stages have on the consummation of marriage.

In the first five years of marriage the couple will be discovering all sorts from each other; all of a sudden your sweet and calm sweetheart will look you in the face and say to you, “No you cannot visit your parents”.

By the time you recover from the shock of what you heard, sweetheart would have taken the car key and the next you will hear is the sound of his car zooming off.

The husband’s poop suddenly starts to smell really awful that you find it annoying and the husband gets upset that something so smelly can come out of a woman.

The wonderful and polite young lady you married will tell you that you eat like a pig and that your breath really stinks in the morning (like she just noticed).

One thing that works well for most couples  at this stage in marriage is the sex; it is usually great at this time. Spouses look forward to the nights and being alone, the libido is quite high and it is explainable. The ladies are eager to become pregnant and the men are enjoying the wives of their youth.

The quarrel does not last too long, by that night the husband is kneeling by the bedside pleading with the wife to please give him some show. Some men will even cry while they beg. Lol! Wifey will play hard to succumb initially but just for a little while because she wants it as much as hubby.

This stage to me is the most exciting stage of marriage and I advise young couples to take full advantage of it because it is usually short.

From six to ten years, the couples are too used to each other and can go for days without even holding hands and it is normal.

The children are growing and the funds may be growing or dwindling causing pressure either way.

Wifey starts to see a different side to life; she is gaining weight and feels unsexy. She also starts to imagine that hubby is cheating on her because he no longer begs for it like he did in the past.

Life gets busier and tougher; the conversations are usually about the children or the funds.

The age thing also starts to play out and you hear conversations like;

Husband: why will talk to me in that manner?

Wife: Because you were rude to me first

Husband: But I am older than you?

Wife: And so?

Husband: You have to respect me

Wife: Not while you sleep with me. We are now age mates

From ten to fifteen years, it is a game of what you see is what you get and it takes a lot of effort from both parties to stay together. I have counselled couples who have stayed for one year and counting without doing the do.

I would usually ask them to think of the very reason why they were attracted to each other in the first place. I have also found out that long talks do not solve such problems. Some want to experience other people just to bring the spice back, (the very bad way) some pray the spice back into their lives (the rare way but I believe in it) and many others adopt other methods.

I usually ask what they think will work before I give my advice.

From fifteen years and above, if the tortilla rises the wife is in luck because it happens less often, it takes a lot of mental and physical preparation for the man to still get it up easily (at home).

Dr. Dogood is tired of Ms. Punani and is looking for a new hole. It takes discipline and scruples to stick to the one with whom a vow was taken. The couples need God so much now to stay on course.

The worst is when the funds are low, it’s a double jeopardy; hubby can’t get it up because he is thinking too much and wifey cannot help. She doesn’t care because to her, why get it up when you do not have the money to service it.

After twenty years of marriage, if no spouse has killed the other then they have done really well and must commit to finishing the race. Now doing it really becomes a task for both parties. They are more like siblings and will be gisting while doing it.

It starts to be sweet again, the only difference between the first five years and from twenty years is the sound of thewar dance.

With the former you hear "do it baby" "faster" "harder" etc but with the latter it's "do this and come down now" "Please don't raise my leg too high, I'm no longer young:" and "ehen, Mine are we travelling for Christmas" 

Life generally is in stages which never come back when they pass. Learn to enjoy each moment and each stage for nothing lasts for ever.